I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
