a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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