I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
