I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i love accidental penises.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
