i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
