i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
