I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You're like the curious george of whores
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
