Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
