your parents love me but you hate me
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
