Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
