My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
