Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
