You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
