So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
