I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
