When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
