proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
