every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
