i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
