I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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