What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You made out with two different species that night
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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