I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
