Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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