nut hugger
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I need to stop coming to work sober
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
