How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
