I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
