there's paper in my vomit.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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