I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Buhtt sex?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
