Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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