I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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