It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
