Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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