if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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