My nipple is on Facebook.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
