I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
