I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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