3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
