yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
