Farmville is her only friend.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
