when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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