New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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