Someone shit on the floor
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
