Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
