Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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