Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize