i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
