She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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