his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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