Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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