Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
