im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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