Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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