i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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