the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
