I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
