There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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