mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
